Our Visits
by AntiChrist18
Summary: A weekly visit to the cemetery for Alex and Jason to talk to a sorely missed mother and wife. Hurt/Angst with some happiness. Oneshot.


We walk down the steep hill leading down to the small cemetery, his small hand grabbing mine tightly. The closer we get to her grave the harder my tears start to fall.

I should be strong, stronger than this. If not for myself than for our little boy. He struggles enough without her, he shouldn't have to see me struggling too. That's kinda tough though because honestly everyday without her is a struggle, getting out of bed in the mornings without her kills me- not hearing her say good morning or I love you breaks me. He's the only thing that holds me together.

We stop at the grave we frequent and he kneels as he always does by her tombstone. He talks about different things, school, friends, baseball and I listen on, playing with our wedding band set which are on a chain around my neck. She'd tease me, I'd always lose small jewelry, earrings, rings- so when we got married I got a chain and kept my ring there, safe.

That day in the hospital, when I held our five year old in my arms out of complete fright I'd lose him too, and the doctors told me your time was up and we should say goodbye I don't know how I managed to stay so collected. I watched the colour drain from your usually pale features but when I saw you like that, you looked as beautiful as always but scarily sick. It think it was then that it hit me I'd never see you breathing outside of this hospital again. I ran my trembling hand through your beautiful red hair as you took your final deep breath and I passed Jason over to your Mom, I needed to say goodbye alone first.

My wife, my lover was taken from me. It wasn't fair. I took your wedding band from your left ring finger and slipped it onto my chain beside mine, if you couldn't keep it I'd take care of it for you.

"-I miss you Ma" Jason says standing from the gravel and I smile sadly at him as he says "I love you" aloud and walks back over to me, standing by me

I wipe away my silent tears but my small sniffles give me away- he hugs me, his hands only reaching to my waist but he keeps a firm hold on me. I thank God everyday that I have him. I don't know how I'd survive without our boy.

Jason let's go of me and I drop to his level, pressing a kiss to his forehead "Thanks baby, what don't you go to Grandma and Grandpa's grave, talk to them for a little while?"

"Okay Mom" he walks down a couple of rows to my Mother and Fathers grave and once he's out of earshot, I get to my knees by her grave, clutching our rings in my hand

"Hey Case, it's me. I really miss you" I look up to the sky, attempting to stop my tears falling quite so fast "..lately, it's been really tough, probably with our anniversary coming up. I can't believe it's been three years, Jas' is eight now. What a beautiful boy, the image of you. Casey, things aren't getting any easier, everyone comforted me by saying things like time heals all wounds- it's not true. It hurts me as much as it did standing in that hospital"

I look over the Mom and Dads grave, checking on Jason, the boy has a tendency to wander away so I need to keep a watch- I guess he keeps me on my toes. He's still talking away so I turn my attention back to Casey.

"I love you sweetheart, I always will and I know you're up there looking down on us both, protecting us. Thank you. Now, let's see, what gossip can I catch you up on.. nothing huge happened this week. Abbie and 'Rena took Jason and Carrie out to the movies and he came back all talk about his favorite 'cousin'- she's six now. I swear it's scary how fast they're all growing up but that's about it"

I don't notice Jason's back until he kneels back in beside me "You wanna say a prayer buddy?" I ask and he nods, thinking over what to say

"God, please keep an eye on Ma, make sure she's being really good up there" he says and that makes me laugh a little, I love that boy so much "and bless me, Mom, Aunt Abbie, Serena, Carrie, Aunt 'Livia"

I listen as he lists around twenty other people and I slip my arm around his shoulder as he finishes up "-and give Ma a big kiss and hug from me because I can't do it until I'm up there- that won't be until I'm old though- like Mom" he smirks up at me and I mess his hair

"Don't push your luck Jas'" I joke with him, honestly the little jokes like that with him make the mood shift a little and I almost swear I can hear Casey laugh with us

"Okay, see you next week baby" I press a kiss to our wedding bands as I stand to my feet and Jason follows

"See ya Ma"

He takes my hand as we walk back up the hill towards the car

"I really do miss her Mom" he tells me and I nod I'm agreement

"I know baby, I do too. How about we get out the video camera when we get home?" I ask the boy, thinking of the worn out tapes of home movies captured and narrated by Casey of mostly me with Jason but she jumps into scenes with us- I watch the videos a lot.

"Can we?!" He smiles and I smile back as he hops into the car

"Of course we can baby, we'll have dinner by the tv tonight. What'd you like for dinner tonight?"

"Spaghetti!" he says in glee at the chance of being in charge of picking the evenings meal- he picks Casey's favorite too, although I'm pretty sure that's coincidence I don't think he'd remember that- he was very little

"Spaghetti it is"

We drive away from the cemetery for another week, my heart heavy- although that's not really new, it's never really light anymore. Not without her.

We'll be together twelve years in a couple of weeks time and the girls all offered to take me out, they said we could celebrate. I don't think I really feel up to it though- it wouldn't feel right.

Then again, as much as I hate it I can't lock myself away, I know Casey would hate the idea of me doing that. Maybe a little celebration isn't a bad idea- all our close friends raising a toast to my beautiful wife and our love that's stronger than it's ever been.

Yeah.

Happy twelve years baby.


End file.
